So today is finally the last day of my month of nonstop partying and I can say that I’m becoming glad for it. It has been fun, don’t get me wrong, and I can really keep going but I think my body is decomposing. So I’ve hung out with a lot of old friends lately that I haven’t seen in years and it was nice to catch up and share stories and just taking time to be together. But I’ve also been feeling excessively lonely and it’s been starting since I’ve been back home. I suppose I never paid it too much mind because I had my job and friends over in Washington to keep my mind off things but now that I have all this free time I’ve begun to question my bonds and friendships.
Nothing against all my friends or anything because we all move on with our lives and grow up and make closer friends along the way. I’m actually blaming social media for making me feel disconnected with people despite being technically “connected.” We all see the goings on with people’s’ lives and typically it’s always something notable so something either good or bad, nothing too overly mundane. So we feel like we know these people but when was the last time you actually talked to every friend you had in Facebook. It’s like when people follow the lives of celebrities and they know everything there is to know about their public persona and identify with it. Except they’re a public figure rather than a friend so you know the clear separation between you two. Nowadays we have these “friends” on social media where at one time they can be viewed as acquaintances or friends but time separated you two, but you’re still hanging on by that single thread and there’s no clear separation. There’s always that small hope that you might talk again sometime the road so you don’t move on from each other. Some people can deal with it or don’t put too much thought into it but I’ve been emotionally fragile all of my life and this is hugely detrimental to me.
Despite all of that I can’t see myself shutting myself off or cut ties with people because it now seems like a conscious decision to break away from people. It’s almost inexcusable now to not be connected with old friends because of the convenience of our technology. Before the technology was made available it would just naturally dissipate and now we don’t have that as a norm in society. It’s almost impossible to just have your close friends on social media because adding people to your Facebook is one of the first things we do when meeting new people. Now there’s that unsubstantial but very difficult to break bond because people don’t like the idea of confrontation, even if it’s in their head. I have had people in my Facebook for years and I haven’t spoken to them since I first met them, but I feel like I’m telling them to “Eff off” because I made the conscious decision to remove them from my circle.
However, when there’s natural separation where I don’t even know the person’s contact information anymore, I don’t feel at all bad about it. Even when that relationship had many years to develop and I took that person as a role model. Despite that, I feel completely comfortable never speaking to them again because I successfully disconnected with them. Now I have these acquaintances on social media that I can’t seem to get myself to break away from because it’s not like there was a falling out between us, just natural breaking away.
I’m going to continue using social media because that’s how I’m raised now. It’s hard to just change despite knowing the personal problems I have with it. Technology is amazing and makes them so efficient and convenient because it takes away things that I feel should happen naturally. Continuously feeling this connection with everyone you meet makes it seem difficult to develop real and close relationships because of the sheer quantity we have to deal with. Not to say that everyone had these problems and can just view these tools as a neat way to get in touch with people. But to obsessive and fragile people like me, you can see how it hurts.
I’ve oddly been on a philosophical kick due to my great desire to have a discussion with any of my friends (who don’t particularly want to have these kinds of conversations). The reason with my own friends is because I could feel comfortable saying some things that I wouldn’t be comfortable saying to a stranger. I’ve been trying to read more about absurdism and Kierkegaard and Camus just from their Wikipedia pages. I’ve been wondering what my ultimate belief is and I want to believe that people are individuals not bound by any necessity but just the by the fact that we’re living gives meaning to it. Which is all well and good but then I start questioning the ideas of morality like if it’s a absolute authority or something that’s just made up from people. Don’t know why it matters but it does keep me up at night because I feel like I want to find an answer. And I think I found kind of a funny but sort of interesting outlook on it that I would like to share.
Back in the short time I was in college I took a couple philosophy classes for a summer; one being intro to philosophy and the other logic. In my intro class I was exposed to idea that, was told to me anyway, that there was a religion that believed we were in god’s dream. All existence as we know it is made up in this dream. I think the professor told me it was Hinduism but I don’t know if that is consistent to their beliefs. Anyway it gave me the image if god just decides to wake up from his billion year long nap then all existence as we know would cease to exist, but god would be capable of dreaming again and something similar would happen again.
I use the term god loosely because people generally use it something like the Christian version of god where it’s some sort of authority figure that wants us to do certain things and decrees things that we can and can’t do and we should worship. I view it as just the necessary cause of existence since there should be some sort of unexplainable starting point to even get this ball we call life rolling. But in that regard god has no “personality” as it were. So that’s where we would come into play.
To explain why humanity is the way it is generally people need to look at what made us in the first place. Of course we’ll think of our parents and the things that they did to raise us and you can keep going down the list until the dawn of time. So if we just accept that a god figure is at the start of everything then it must have some sort of attributes that allow everyone to be the individuals that they are right? But if you look at humanity you can see it’s filled with opposing ideologies and beliefs. But if life is all based off of one entity or cause then shouldn’t we all be pretty similar in the end? Thus I made a conclusion that I feel might be already existing but I sort if discovered before reading much about the idea that the entity that caused all existence is just bored and that boredom is the only true and fundamental aspect of all life.
If we accept that god is just some bored fellow that just creates everything because it’s bored then he can make all kinds of things up just to keep it interesting. This opposing ideas and fights because who actually likes seeing people just getting along constantly. And it’s even true for us to some extent because when we dream it’s usually something complex enough to have some sort of conflict going on. So if god is just dreaming everything because he’s bored then does life actually have meaning? Well sure because life now is just trying to not be that bored and fulfilling that void. People go about it differently because why not. That’s interesting to the transcendent being that created everything. But just because we’re created my something doesn’t mean we have to suddenly worship it for no reason. We don’t really worship our parents, sure we listen to them sometimes but in the end we kind of do our own thing, whatever that may entail.
If the idea of a transcendent god is a logical necessity for existence then it means that no rules we can make up really apply to it because it already broke the rule of logic. This it’s within its ability to just make up things for the hell of it. Justice and injustice could coexist, good and evil, anything that we would view as opposites exist just because why not? It’s more interesting that way to have opposition, even if it’s in your own mind. Dreams often don’t make all that much sense but they still happen. You still had those crazy thoughts that seem like they shouldn’t be together but it just did and you accept it in the midst of it.
There’s probably a ton of problems that this idea makes like free will since it’s just some entity just making it up as it goes along. But if we look at our own dreams we kind of know where it’s going because we’re thinking about it but at the same time we are surprised when things happen. Things that should be the opposite of each other like knowing the future and not knowing the future just happen simultaneously. And you just accept it. So out lives just happen the way it does because it does. Life has meaning but life is meaningless at the same time. If it has meaning then you go about your life and just live it up. And it’s meaningless to fight against death because that just happens too. Once you’re dead then your life didn’t really matter because you’re not alive anymore.
Philosophy always sort of seems to be talked in circles and that’s the stereotype against it. But it does make you think things in an interesting light. It can really either help you feel better or it could make you feel worse about life. For me, it reaffirms that life is worth living and it’s meant to be lived rather than constantly reflected on in trying to find meaning. Sort of an ironic conclusion really.
I went to New York City for the weekend and had a great time with a friend I haven’t seen in a couple of years. I didn’t do too much and I tend to just relax and go by my own pace. So I didn’t do any of the touristy things. I probably will if I came back and considering to live here too. Anyway, I did drink way too much on Saturday and apparently had a BAC of .25. Which isn’t good. I blacked out and it’s not my first time either. But for some reason I feel a little worse about this time than others. My cousin had to take care of me all night which was pretty shitty of me to allow happen. Apparently I’m an angrier drunk now whereas I used to be more on the sleepy and happy sides. Think this might be my 10th time blacking out too. I need to slow down.
In Washington, D.C. and able to explore Capitol Hill for the first time of my life so I hit the usual spots one would take. First I stopped by some random coffee shop because I was about to walk all over the place and I need some energy to do that. So my first stop was the Library of Congress which I will say is quite an impressive building. The displays are cool but the building itself is very nice and well lit with natural light. I would like to go to the reading floor but I guess you need to actually be there for a reason rather than just for fun. After that I met up with my cousin who works in one of the nearby buildings and she gave me a tour of the Capitol Building which was nice. Was surprised to see the size of the actual Senate and House floors, surprisingly small. Then there’s all the various busts and artwork that is all over the place which was neat too. After grabbing lunch I set off on my own again and hit up a few of the art based Smithsonian museums and walked toward the Lincoln memorable stopping by anything of interest like the Washington Monument and WWII Memorial. Afterwards my cousin and I got dinner at Founding Farmers and I was about to set off to go drinking but I wanted to charge my phone and lie down for a bit. Ended up being too lazy and just watches So You Think You Can Dance and a documentary about Burning Man. Day 2 down. A week to go.
I didn’t even know what the Hard fest was until a day before it started and it’s just around the block of my house. It’s a music festival filled with a bunch of electronic music and I suppose it’s close enough to what a rave might be since there’s a bunch of drug use and scantily clad women. I’m actually really surprise by what I saw some people wearing. Not that I really mind at all but it is interesting seeing women in like little butt huggers with their ass hanging out and nipple pasties or whatever by choice. Maybe it’s some sort of sexual empowerment in an environment that’s more accepting of it so they won’t be judged harshly for it. Couldn’t help myself to look but it is rather surprising. I had a good time there though despite waking up with heavy chest pain and a bunch of dirt in my nose and lungs. It’s like I smoked a carton of cigarettes in like 5 minutes. Fun but I’m exhausted.
Went to see Arcade Fire at The Forum in Inglewood and it was a great show. Had a lot of the older songs which is fortunate since I’m more familiar with them than their new stuff. The show started with a band called The Unicorns which sounded like they’ve been around for a while but I’ve never heard of them. They were good but I didn’t get as into them as I expected. Next there was a DJ that sort of played little games with the floor crowd. Getting them to do dance offs and forming circles. Was fairly silly but it was entertaining. Shortly after Arcade Fire showed up and all I got to say is that I’m happy I finally get to experience Power Out and Wake Up live. I don’t know if it’s possible not to end on those two songs because they’re just amazing. Afterwards, Arcade Fire opened the floor for another hour to allow everyone to continue dancing if they wanted and they probably joined in later on. I was a little tired so I passed on it unfortunately. If I didn’t have a music festival to go to the next day I would have considered it but I’ll just live in regret.
Was too lazy to stick a guest pass in my car while staying at my brother’s place. It’s pretty funny to me so I wasn’t upset over it. It was 200 bucks though so I probably shouldn’t be so lazy from now on heh.
So I’ve been slowly trying to get back into the gym and making it a routine. Taking it fairly easy for the first week to ensure that I actually muster the energy to go, but I’m still hurting from soreness. I was digging back to my old deployment pictures and my gym progress there made me depressed over the current situation my body is in. I’m by no means fat or anything (despite my saying otherwise) but to be at my former peak would be much more desirable. Beer and food definitely gets in the way to having at least a visibly toned body but I’ll try and get back to it. I did have a rather extreme diet that sort of came about as a competition between me and this Russian woman I befriended during my time in Afghanistan. Never intended to diet but it became rather fun making fun of each other for being “fat” whenever we had a breakdown that caused us to consume unhealthy or massive amounts of food. So my general diet basically amounted to 5 servings of protein powder mixed in water, a sandwich and some fruit. Maybe hard boiled eggs if I really felt like it for dinner. Oh yeah, also 3 pots of coffee for me alone and half a pack of cigarettes. Can’t say it was the healthiest thing I’ve ever done but I did feel healthier and stronger despite my general malnourishment and bad habits. While I don’t intend to go back to such an extreme diet, I might just end up doing something similar just by accident. Old habits I guess.